Namaha

I am overcome.

I've just finished teacher training. What is it about the power of opening and closing circles? They inject the room with some kind of potency serum. This is why we need rituals, they shine a spotlight on the meaning already present in the room. Looking around the circle I experience nothing but love for each exceedingly brave face. With my eyes closed in meditation, I saw all of our hearts glowing red in our chests, like someone had come and wrapped us in gigantic Christmas lights, making one strand out of us. It was a watershed hour. What an extraordinary pleasure to witness so many people open up, be vulnerable, and genuinely examine themselves. These people let themselves be seen being afraid, be seen being unsure, be seen not knowing, be seen investigating the divide between purusha and prakriti. They gave me that gift. They gave me the gift of allowing me to really see them.  Having acknowledged this act in them, I can acknowledge it in myself as well. This is a new definition of generosity for me. As each person spoke my tears renewed. There are Tess and I next to each other with no tissues, just snotting all over our selves.

Here is something I know, I have a hard time meeting fear. Generally, when it looks like I'm going to get an opportunity to meet him (and fear is a him), I go running just as fast as my size six-and-a-half's can carry me. I faked sickness to get out of school. I faked injury to get out of ballet class (four years worth). Now here I am with a real injury (good one, God!) and the tapas to go ahead and meet fear. I now know that I can turn towards myself when I am afraid to do something. I can take a look at the fear, figure out what it feels like in my body, make correlations about where it is coming from, and decide to do the fearful thing (which is what I really want to do in the first place). The surprising result is that I love myself more when I do this.

I am in such a state of gratitude. I am here on the couch, amid the squalor of my apartment when my boyfriend is out of town, thanking God (or whatever).  Thank you for this shitty wine my boyfriend insists on buying from Trader Joe's. Thank you for this ancient teaching which reaches straight into my heart. Thank you for the Sutras. Thank you for every subtle and magnanimous change in each of my peers. Thank you for the ability to bring the seer out. Thank you for this body and the skillful, liquid, detailed, and fucking dope way that it moves. Thank you for bringing me to the practice. Thank you for my teachers and my teacher's teachers.

Lasara